I have been living with this secret for over a decade. Every time I think about it, my hands shake, my respiration sharpens and my heart palpitates. It is getting to the point of extreme unhealthiness. So, even though I may be signing my own death warrant, I have to get this off my chest. I can’t live with the anxiety any longer.

During our Senior year in High School, Eric approached me and asked if I wanted to go snow caving with him.

Snow caving? I asked.

Yep, snow caving. The idea is, we go far out into the wilderness (apparently where there will be no witnesses) in the dead-of-winter, build a snow cave and sleep in it overnight. Now, hind site is 20/20 so just let me say, I have no idea what possessed me to say “cool, sounds like fun”; thus my fate was nearly sealed. I should have made a quick exit to the library door and never spoken to him again, but, here I am, broken and shamed.

Fast forward two weeks. The location is Mount Hood, Oregon. The temperature is 55 degrees below zero. It is snowing. No, snowing is not the right word. We are in the midst of the storm of the century. If we don’t get this snow cave built in the next 15-20 minutes, we will be dead, unmourned and forgotten. After the cave is nearly finished, Eric suggests I go inside and finish up. Fine, I think…let’s get this done and get our sucking sleeping bags out.

So, there I am, scooping out the final fist fulls of snow when the whole world goes black. I can’t see, I can’t breath. All senses are dampened. I slowly realize what has happened. The roof of the cave has collapsed and is slowly embracing me in its dance of death. My thoughts turn to my family. Will they miss me? I try to yell, my mouth fills with snow. I am slipping into unconsciousness. I see a tunnel of light. I…I hear…what is that? Laughter? I hear laughter. Maniacal, evil laughter! With one last great effort I kick out my legs and flail my arms. You can’t have me Death! Not today!

I am free! Light floods my senses. I take a deep refreshing breath of life and then I realize; it was not Death laughing at me, it was Eric! As I look upon him, his countenance has changed from rapture to abject disappointment. It then occurs to me that this was no accident. He PUSHED the cave in on me! He whispers under his breath. I can’t make it out but it sounds like “If you ever say anything about this, I will flay you alive then starch your bones in the sun. And when I’m done with that, I will make a necklace out of those bones and wear them as a trophy to your demise”.

I shudder deeply. To get out of the cold, we quickly build another snow cave and retire for the night. Even though I try to sleep with one eye open, my struggle with death has exhausted me. I must have passed out, but when I awoke suddenly an hour later I see Eric quickly (and guiltily) removing his hand from my mouth and nose. I did not sleep the rest of the night.

I have kept this secret for too long for fear of my life. Now that it is out, the world will finally know what kind of “person” Eric really is. Of course, he will deny everything, and probably on these pages. Do not listen to his siren song. They are lies…all lies.