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Justin M. Stoddard

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May 8, 2004 — 9:00 pm

I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that most people are tools.

By definition a tool is “someone who is useless and idiotic in all aspects at any given time”, and they are “a person who is impressionable, easily used by others. A loser; a wanna-be”.

Everyone has seen them. Everyone has had dealings with one. They talk on the phone during a movie. They are the people who park in the handicap parking space because 1) They are too lazy to walk an extra FIFTEEN feet to their destination or 2) They don’t want anyone parking next to their “machine”. Hey, I’ve got news for you buddy. No one gives an ass that you drive a souped up Honda Civic. And for the love of God, take the framed picture of your ‘ride’ off your desk. It’s embarrassing, you tool.

I knew plenty of tools while I was in the Army. Usually they were 2nd Lieutenants and more often than not, they were academy graduates. There were others of course. Those that abused their rank for pleasure or profit were certainly tools. Thankfully, these cases were far and few between. The real tools were those that fell for the copious amounts of propaganda we were subjugated to. These were the guys who actually believed we were protecting America’s freedoms. They loved to say things like “freedom isn’t free” or “those protesters only have their rights ’cause of people like me”. These ass clowns were to be avoided at all costs lest their hyper-patriotism induced heavy fits of raucous laughter.

Historically there have been many tools. Apologists for Communism are what I like to call “fucking tools”. Even though over 200 MILLION men women and children were/are currently being liquidated under Communist rule, apologists quibble over the numbers. Consider this passage from a recent article on

Miami University’s Robert W. Thurston, in his 1996 book Life and Terror in Stalin’s Russia, rejects the overwhelming evidence that Stalin’s purges took the lives of millions. He concedes only 681,692 executions in the years 1937 and 1938, and a mere 2.5 million arrests. Even using those low-ball figures, that means that nearly one of every 20 adult Soviet males went to prison and that more than 900 of them were executed per day. Nonetheless, Thurston says Stalin has gotten a bad rap: There was no “mass terror…extensive fear did not exist…[and] Stalin was not guilty of mass first-degree murder.”

Now, Glenn Garvin, the author of the above article refers to Comrade Thurston and his ilk as “fucking fools”. That is certainly an excellent label. However, I feel Mr. Garvin was being a bit too kind. As I said before, the term “fucking tools” seems to be a better fit.

One more thing. You’re not being an intellectual when you name your cat “Chairman Mao”. Seriously, you’re a tool, and a substandard one at that.

Most people who call themselves ‘Conservatives’ are tools as well. The Abu Ghraib ‘incident’ in Iraq has made this point increasingly clear to me as the days pass. As General Patton used to say, this situation has grabbed the Republicans “by the nose and kicked them in the ass”. Let me give you the break down.

First, the litany of people out there who are compelled to bless us with their opinions. I can’t offer any source material here. There are some summarized statements I (Justin M. Stoddard) had the misfortune of hearing while driving home from work yesterday.

Lady: “I just don’t get it. We are at WAR! These people want to destroy us! I can’t believe the Liberal Media stabbed us in the back by releasing those pictures.”
Host: “Don’t you think the American people have the right to know what our soldiers are up to over there?”
Lady: “Not when it gives aid and comfort to the enemy.”

Interjection: Lady, you’re a skanky tool.

Guy: “America is weak. I mean, come on! Soldiers used to machine gun prisoners in WWII when they got news of Japanese or German atrocities. These terrorists are getting off easy!”

Interjection: Tool-o-roni

Let’s see what Rush Limbaugh has to say about the whole affair:

“This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation, and we’re going to ruin people’s lives over it, and we’re going to hamper our military effort, and then we are going to really hammer them because they had a good time. You know, these people are being fired at every day. I’m talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You [ever] heard of need to blow some steam off?”

Now, maybe it’s just me. I seem to think that if Heir Toolmeister had, you know, actually served in the Army instead of getting a deferment for a boil on his ass (true), he would know that it’s just not right for a United States Soldier to abuse Prisoners of War by putting leashes on them and making them bark like dogs.

Here’s how some of our brave soldiers released some steam:

“There are other photos that depict incidents of physical violence towards prisoners, acts that can only be described as blatantly sadistic, cruel and inhumane,” he (Rumsfeld) said. … It’s going to get a good deal more terrible, I’m afraid.

Rumsfeld did not describe the photos, but U.S. military officials told NBC News that the unreleased images showed U.S. soldiers severely beating an Iraqi prisoner nearly to death, having sex with a female Iraqi female prisoner and “acting inappropriately with a dead body.” The officials said there was also a videotape, apparently shot by U.S. personnel, showing Iraqi guards raping young boys.

“After a hard day’s fightin’, I like to kick back and blow off some steam by rapin’. And after that, I think I’ll desecrate some dead bodies cause I’m pretty much a fucking tool.”

A couple of days ago, I referenced an article written by World Net Daily’s Joseph Farah. After several contractors were brutally killed and their bodies disgustingly ravaged, Mr. Farah advocated that we:

“need to flatten Fallujah. We may need to destroy it. We may need to grind it, pulverize it and salt the soil, as the Romans did with troublesome enemies.”

Mr. Farah remains mysteriously silent on the current prison scandal. I guess he just doesn’t have to balls to advocate the total and utter destruction of any town these subhuman M.P.’s hail from. However, several of his readers have chimed in.

Wayne writes:

Wake up, America! You can stop wringing your hands and losing sleep over our terrible abuse of enemy prisoners. Until we start slitting their throats, hanging their mutilated bodies from bridges and dragging them through the streets, you all can relax and go back to sleep.

How disgusted I am for President Bush apologizing to a people whose main goal in life is the destruction of our way of life. We have no real leaders in this country today. For that reason, America’s future is in serious doubt. However, if you want to keep crying over the treatment of a people that would cut your throat in a heartbeat, be my guest. Excuse me while I go throw up!

Wayne, I suspect that if American POW’s were treated in the same fashion, you would be advocating a nuclear holocaust. But hey, it’s just a couple of “Ragheads” that would sooner cut your throat than look at you right? Nice try Hitler. That racist propaganda has already been hashed out by men far more capable than yourself.

We’re done. The recent chronicle of abuse in Iraq has shown that. Republicans will try to divert the nations attention. First they’ll try the old “liberal media” line of attack. When that fails, and really, who are we kidding, it already has, they will begin to question the testicular fortitude of American’s in general. “Stay the course!” they’ll yell. “Freedom isn’t free” they’ll bleat. But, to no avail. We are done. We’ve lost for no other reason than we are a nation of tools.

A female blogger from Baghdad writes:

I sometimes get emails asking me to propose solutions or make suggestions. Fine. Today’s lesson: don’t rape, don’t torture, don’t kill and get out while you can- while it still looks like you have a choice… Chaos? Civil war? Bloodshed? We’ll take our chances- just take your Puppets, your tanks, your smart weapons, your dumb politicians, your lies, your empty promises, your rapists, your sadistic torturers and go.

Preach on sister!


— Justin M. StoddardComments (0)

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