Almost more than any other activity, the movie going experience is the ultimate experiment in the “social contract”. To that end, I am becoming increasingly convinced that the best way to gauge a persons intelligence is to simply observe their actions while watching a movie at the local cineplex.

When I enter a movie theatre, it is likely that I will recognize not one soul sitting in the seats around me. And yet, I fully expect each and every one of them to act in a congenial, polite manner, befitting of any civilized human being. Some may say that I expect too much, that I have no right to project my ideas on others. They may say, “judge not, lest you be judged”. I say hogwash. “Judge and prepare to be judged” is the essence of my nature.

This last weekend, a good friend and I went to see the movie Open Range. This is a beautifully shot movie, with intriguing characters and a wonderful plot line. Yes, it had its problems but, in the end, it proved to be one of the best made Westerns since the release of Unforgiven. And yet, I could not fully enjoy the experience. I was too distracted by the activity going on around me.

At one point in the movie, someone’s cell phone rang. Ok, this actually happened to me once and I was mortified. I simply forgot to turn the thing on vibrate before I entered the theatre. Never has anyone powered off a device faster than I did that day. I spent the rest of the movie mentally apologizing to every single patron in that theatre, and rightfully so.

Of course, this was not the case with this bandit. She let the phone ring several times before putting the damn thing up to her ear and saying in a nice clear voice:

Hello?
I’m at the movies…
[a little louder] The movies…
Nothing, what are you doing?

Ok, by this point I was mentally projecting a violent death upon this Troglodyte’s cell phone. While several “SHHHHHHs” failed to persuade her, some enterprising soul finally shouted out:

Hang that thing up you fucking moron!

To which she answered:

Fuck you!

She did, however, hang up the phone and she got off easy in my opinion. In a just world, she would have been held responsible for the ticket price of every individual unfortunate enough to suffer through her moronically selfish act. It’s a simple case of property theft. I paid 8 bucks to watch that movie and she robbed me of the full experience. Pay up!

Later, during a particularly poignant scene in the movie, some cretin in the back row started talking to the screen:

Don’t do it! You’ll regret it!

This is one phenomenon that simply baffles me. Some people simply think its OK to blurt out whatever they feel at any moment in time. If they are lucky, someone in the audience will guffaw at their lame attempt at humor. Woe to everyone else if this happens. In the mind of this bottom dweller, a snicker is a free pass to ham it up for the rest of the movie.

Let me give all you would be “screen talkers” a piece of advice. Those huge two dimensional representations of real life up there on the screen…you know, the ones that move and have pretty colors and magically talk to you?

They can’t hear you. I know this must be a shock to your simian sensibilities but, it is true. They are not real people. This is a M..O..V..I..E, not your little make believe fantasy land where all you have to do is say it, and it will come true.

Trust me on this, if the rest of us wanted to hear a bunch of mouth breathing simpletons express their painfully insipid opinions, we would have stayed home and watched The Real World.

Lastly, inappropriate laughter.

Why do some people feel the need to laugh at the most ridiculously inappropriate times? Is is a nervous tick? Are these people so emotionally retarded that they fail to understand the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) nuances the director and actors are throwing our way? Besides comedies, this happens in nearly every single movie I see. A wonderfully dramatic scene is developing. The tension is rising, you are on the edge of your seat. Then it happens, something terrible or gut wrenchingly sad or poignant and, and…Laughter! The jackass behind you is…laughing.

Cretin! Fool! Jackass!

You see, the thing about movies is, unlike books or music, you only get to experience that feeling once. Sure, you can watch it again, and again, and again. However, it is only during the very first viewing that you get the full effect.

So, when that once in a life time, memorable moment comes along, you sure as hell want to see it in all its glory without some schmo ruining it for you by chortling whenever his overtaxed pile of mush he calls a brain demands.

Yep, you can just about sum up a whole persons worth by merely observing their actions in the movie theatre.

I’m curious to hear some stories from Eric on this matter. Now, I’m pretty uptight about movie etiquette, but Eric…well, Eric will get all up in somebody’s face for something that I never even noticed. I’m sure he has some good experiences to share with us all…How bout it Eric?

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