My daughters say the funniest things. When I get home at night, after a long day at the office, I sometimes rough-house with them a little bit. Their favorite game (and mine I suppose) is me pretending to be a monster while chasing them around the house. I give a big, deep growl and of course they shriek and yell while I chase them from room to room. When I finally catch them, I wrestle with them on the ground and tickle them some and we start the whole exercise all over again.

One day while we were doing this, I bent down to give my oldest daughter a kiss on the cheek. She looked at me sternly and with both hands on her hips exclaimed “Monsters don’t give kisses”! For some reason, that struck me as rather funny. She has since taught the phrase to her younger sister and now they both never miss a chance to tell me “Monsters don’t give kisses” in their mockingly angry voices.

I don’t know why, but I wrote a little story/poem about it and I now read it to them almost every night. They love it, and that, of course, does wonders for my ego. So, here it is:

Monsters play with your socks
And mess up the dishes
They like to bake cakes
That taste quite delicious
They may give you a hug
They may grant you three wishes
But no matter what,
Monsters don’t give kisses!

I don’t understand
What makes them so vicious
When you pucker your lips
Their smiles turn to hisses
It seems pretty mean
It looks quite malicious
But no matter what,
Monsters don’t give kisses!

Now, I once knew a girl
And her sister you see
One was named Jordan
The other Zoe
They always wore smiles
And laughed with real glee
And they knew a big monster
Named McGunther McGee

Now, McGunther McGee
Was a monster to see
And though he looked gruff
He was nice as could be
They played everyday
Till the sun reached to trees
But when it came to good byes
McGunther McGee would flee, you see

It’s true it seems
At the end of the day
McGunther McGee
Would just run away
Whatever was wrong
He just would not say
Even though the girls
Begged him to stay

Now why did McGunther
Run away that way?
Well, when it comes to monsters
It’s quite hard to say
But, I have an idea
It came to me one day
It’s sure to explain McGunther’s
Unusual ways

You see,

Goodbye time is always
The time to give kisses
And kisses to monsters
Are a terrible business
It causes quite a stir
It was quite the crises
Cause kisses give monsters
BIG ITCHY RASHES!

So…

A monster will play with your socks

And mess up the dishes
They like to bake cakes
That taste quite delicious
They may give you a hug
They may grant you three wishes
But no matter what,
Monsters ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY,
don’t EVER give kisses!

-Justin M. Stoddard (Copyright 24 July, 2003)