My friend Eric is a big fat idiot.

Please, don’t get me wrong. I’m not referring to his portly size, (I’m moving up in that direction every day now that I don’t exercise, unless you call eating Rocky Road Ice Cream exercise. I do, but there are various authoritarian cardiologists out there who do not), but rather his ability to review movies with a clear, un-muddled head. Let me explain…

While waiting for A Mighty Wind to start the other day at the local Art Theater (I guess it almost has to be spelled theatre since well, you know, it’s an Art House). Anyway, while we were waiting, I casually asked Eric, the aforementioned dunderhead, how he would rate a movie like Pulp Fiction.

Now, obviously, to those of us still grounded in reality, a movie like Pulp Fiction would rate 10 stars (if you used that system). I mean, come on! Pulp Fiction revolutionized the way films were thought of in the 90’s. Instead of screenwriters going out and picking up a book on “How to write a screenplay in 5 days” or taking a class from some hack no-body, they were starting to put actual thought into dialogue. Granted, some of the movies were not very good (Destiny turns on the radio), but at least they were trying.

Other than that, the movie was an act of brilliance. Amazing as Eric would say. Well, Eric wouldn’t say that I guess cause he only gave it 9 1/2 stars. 9 and a freaking half stars. For shame! I wanted to know right then and there what that Doppelganger had done with the real Eric. Where had my friend gone who enjoyed movies as much (or more) than I? Where had the guy gone that I went to High School with, who I loaned money to every day so he could get his chocolate chip cookie fix. Where had he gone?

Eric, I realize you are under a great deal of stress lately. I mean, getting up at 10:00am every day would be hell on anyone. I also empathize with the deplorable working conditions under which you constantly labor . However, that is absolutely no excuse to give a movie like Pulp Fiction only 9 1/2 sucking stars. Don’t you think you could have put just a little more effort into it. Give it the old college try? You did go to college right?

I’m going away to St. Louis for a few days to clear my head of this madness. Eric, here is your chance to make things right. Give Pulp Fiction a proper rating and all will be forgotten. If not…well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. However, let me make this clear, no friend of mine would dream of giving this movie 9 1/2 stars. Remember that…no friend of mine…